hope2love

Sorry for the total rant i had the otherday, i feel stupid for writing it. I would delete it but i dont like to. I like waiting a few months and then reading them all, just so see how much i change. okay lol thats just weird. But anyway. I lost my phone! im so pissed i just got a new one! :| this always fucking happens to me! I dont know what im going to do my mum will go ape shit :( i knew i should of asked for a new phone for christmass :(

so it was the last day of school today, Christmas on friday, meh i cant be arsed. havent done ANY christmass shopping yet, which means i will need to go tommoro or on thursday. :/ oh well people :] happy christmas.

ELF!  i watch it every year! its just so awesome! :] I tend not to like christmas films but elf if just the shizz. and the nightmare before christmas, but i dont know if that really counts lol

Im so close to breaking point. i can feel it. Its been weird for the past few weeks, alot of shit has happened. We had to put my dog down, and my uncle had a stroke last night, my dad went to see him in hospital he lives in northen irland, and they dont expect him to make it past a couple of days, so my dad will most likely not be here on christmas day. Anyway i just havent,been, feeling it? i dont know its just like i havent had time to get round to feeling those emotions yet. I have tryed to keep myself really busy with boring every day tasks. Trying to keep my entire mind occupied with the smallest of tasks. I dont want to feel these things yet, not not. But i can feel my calm breaking, and when that happens it wont be pretty. I think that if i cut i would be able to get over these things and carry on relivivly normaly. HAHA you know why im not cutting? to a promise that i made to HER. I she most defonatly does not deserve my promisse. She sertinatly has not kept hers. just before she left she wrote me a letter it said "Just because im moving away, it dosent mean i dont love you. if anything ever goes wrong, i will awlays be here for you, no matter what happens" WELL WHARE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW HALLEY! WHARE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW, WHEN I MOTHER FUCKING NEED YOU THE MOST! il tell you whare she is, she fucking moved to fucking dundee at the other end of scotland, without even menshioning anything to me! I mean wtf! you might have at least told me you fucking whore! And the saddest thing is i cant even be angry with her. i fucking love her to much. fucking hell i fail so much! why the fuck did i let her do this to me?! how the fuck was i so blind. :@ okay im just working myself up. ima go now sorry for the rant :/

From the nearly 22 full years of my existence, I can safely say that 2009 has been the worst one as of yet. I know that things can get worse, and I know that they can get better. I have no expectations looking into the dawn of 2010. With no expectations, I cannot be disappointed.
The year rolled in and I slept on. I started the year off working. I didn't complain. I actually liked my job, for the most part. There were aspects of being a housekeeper that really sucked, but it was my job. I'd grin and bear it. That was, until my boss got fired, and I didn't want to play corporate games anymore, so I walked. In this time, I began writing again. The spark that had been smothered due to heartbreak and a lack of inspiration erupted to life, and lit a fire in my soul. The idea of my novel was spawned. I now have 73 pages of writing that needs to be edited. Another 50-something pages that need to be typed up. And that is merely the skeleton of the writing.
I toyed with the idea of moving off to Europe on grants, doing research about the Protestant Reformation in Germanic countries. Through extensive research, I found that I needed to be affiliated with a college to get any kind of funding.
I then toyed with the idea of just leaving. Packing my car and leaving. I got my wish when I got kicked out of my house early into the summer. I lived in my car for 3 days, not knowing where to turn. I didn't have enough money for a hotel or an apartment. I hardly had enough to drive up to school and hide out in the dorm buildings. And that option was high on my list. I was terrified that this would be my life from then on. My best friend found out and told me to get over to her house, and that her mom would love for me to stay with them. And every day that I was there, I felt like a burden. But I had a roof over my head. I had a bed to sleep in, and I knew that the people in that house cared, unlike at my own home.
After an emotionally trying summer, I moved back home. My mother had moved out to school at that point, and our relationship hasn't been the same since she kicked me out, but we try not to talk about it. It just brings up bad feelings. My dad and I have basically kept the same relationship through all of this. He's my dad, I'm his daughter. We're not going to agree on everything, and we're both too headstrong to admit when we're in the wrong. The relationship I have with Tara is the same: we still hate each other. Kerry changed a lot in the two months I was gone, but at the same time, she remained exactly the same. It's difficult to describe, so I won't even try.
After Mountain Creek, I bounced from job to job. I was never content, and at one point before I was welcomed back home, I'd emptied my bank account and went up to CNY with the intention of finding a job and a place to live. Those plans fizzled on my own accord. I was scared to go so far. In the time that I was away from home, I didn't speak to my family. To this day, they have no idea where I was staying. Or that I was literally homeless for a few days. I needed roadblocks, not to burn the bridges completely. And that's why I stayed in Jersey. I knew that I couldn't leave things the way they were.
I cannot pinpoint a reason for my discontent, but I knew it stemmed from friends and family and a general lack of enthusiasm for anything. It was heartbreak and it was betrayal. It was self destruction and it was self preservation. I was at the end of my rope and times, just waiting for someone to kick the chair out. I wanted nothing more, so many times, than to just fall back into drinking and drugs. Instead, my written personality took on the traits that I wouldn't allow for myself. She drank, and did lines of coke, and smoked joints and fucked someone just because they had a nice face. And I became jealous of a fictional character. And it was then that I realized that I wasn't content.
I've taken steps towards being content, but it's a difficult path to stay on, especially when self loathing is so much easier. I've surrounded myself with friends that saw me when I had nothing, and offered me everything. I've cried on shoulders that never asked for my tears, but accepted them anyway. I've lost friends and lovers and the very roof over my head, and not for one second did their love falter. I can never thank the people that helped me through this past year enough.
My only expectation of the future is that I will be able to help someone else as much as these people helped me. It might not be in this next year, but at some point in the future, even if I have nothing, I want to be able to make someone's life a little better, even if it's just lending a shoulder to cry one.
So 2009, we've been through a lot. More than is written here. We shared laughs, and we shared about ten times more tears, and I think you're the most important year of my young life. So thank you for being an absolute cunt. I think it's all I needed.

His eyes dance with excitement and intrigue. He makes me feel good about myself, and he's starting to show me that my heart isn't completely shattered from past guys in my life. But I'm still scared. It's easier to have a crush, and just be crushed when he decides there is someone prettier. It's harder to fall in love and be completely destroyed by it when it ends. Not even if. When. We're young. I honestly don't believe that I'll find the guy I'm going to stay with for the rest of my days at 22. I just don't see it happening.
I know plenty of people that have gotten married at age 19 or 20, and though they're not thinking about divorce, I can see that they are far from happy. It's our nature to look for something else. Not necessarily better. Just something new. And sometimes it isn't even a conscious effort. The idea of being so young and married scares me. I don't want things to get stale.

English and greek. i took french at school but still have no idea how to speek it lol :)