hope2love

So my mom rings in sick to work for me and everyone thinks they know whats up!!!I don't have swine flu.... I have a viral infection which means I ain't allowed to talk for 3-4 days!!!!

The gf basically told me to go have an affair today.... she told me if I need more affection to go find someone who can give it me.... I only want the affection from her.... or maybe there is someone else in the back of my head.... but I know nothing can happen there.... I've been there....

anyway got my psych appt through only gotta wait like 3 weeks but hey.... i'll be dead by then probably the way I'm going

hope2love xoxoxox

So lets start with the good stuff....

I went to see P!nk in birmingham last night and it was amazing.... I was at the very front and I was close enough to touch her.... she is my idol, i think she is amazing....

Now the bad stuff.... where do I start....

Well the whole week was shit.... I have been ill all week.... done at least double the hours I would usually do at work....

I have been in a vile mood and keep having to apologise for my attitude....

The gf isn't helping things by being constantly depressed and to be honest it brings me down....

And to top it all off I have been diagnosed with anorexia at the doctors on friday....

Anyway trying to write in a public place is not easy so maybe I will be back later to moan a bit more
hope2love
xoxoxox

Life would be so much easier if I didn't have to live it....

Everything would be better without me here.... My only outlet has been cut off.... I promised her I wouldn't do it to myself again, but she has promised me many things in the past, many of them that she has not kept....

Should I keep my promise.... I do love her but sometimes she just makes it so hard for me too.... Should I keep my promise just so I don't hurt myself and not for her at all....

There are other ways I hurt my body and abuse myself.... my eating is still a very sore subject.... especially with my mom but if I don't want to eat, I won't.... if I want to starve myself then it is my problem....

anyway I'm gunna see if I can sort my head out
til next time
hope2love
xoxoxox

I finally feel like i am getting my life back on track. I am back at college and enjoying it this year so far....

I doubted the other half.... my self-esteem was that low I just couldn't trust.... I think I do now though....

Life is going quite good, except work....

Most of the people I work with are Ok its just those couple of people who want to make my life hell....

My new job should be sorted soon so we will see how that goes, maybe I won't even have to keep my other one....

anyway place to go, people to see
hope2love
xoxoxox

I really love her.... we are engaged.... and we are going to get the rings later today....

We are both in a pretty bad place right now.... she has some stuff going on.... I wonder whats going on....

I didn't have a good ime last night.... it had been one of those days yesterday.... i was tired and had enough by the time I got to work.... then Mo turned up.... he was freaking me out and I kept trying to get away.... I ended up cornered behind the counter before he tried to kiss me.... I felt physically sick and couldn't stop shaking....

Oh well, I'm going to plaster that fake smile on my face and try to carry on as normal....

hope2love
xoxoxox

Gula (gluttony) - Probably one of the only sins I don't possess.... considering I don't eat...

Fornicatio (fornication, lust) - I lust after peple I can never have.... Again, Why can't I be happy with what I have?

Avaritia (avarice/greed) - I always want more than I have.... Why can't I just be happy with what I have?

Sloth - Take today for example.... I didn't get out of bed until 7.30PM!!! Enough said....

Ira (wrath) - I get angry so easily.... Over the smallest of things

Envy - The green eyed monster.... it rears is head too often....

Superbia (Pride) - I wish I was prettier and I wish I had better clothes....

hope2love
xoxoxox

She moves away from me like my touch disgusts her.... She yawns as if I am boring her whenever she is with me.... She never shows me any affection.... I always feel like I have done something wrong.... maybe I have but everytime I ask her if she's ok she says yes.... how am I supposed to make anything better if she won't even talk to me....

It got that bad last week that I took a sharpener apart to find the blade.... I had the tissues and bandages ready to cover up my mistakes.... then I got busy, I distracted myself.... it worked for now....

I have developed feelings for others.... well, maybe that isn't exactly the right way of putting it.... maybe the feelings were always there.... they were just surpressed.... I feel so alone most of the time.... but one person makes me feel different, makes me feel like living this life is worthwhile....

While writing this there is a film on in the background and as I am writing I just here one line of a song.... (8) Nothing makes sense (8).... that just describes my life right now....

hope2love
xoxoxox

Don't you hate it when a person you love is hurting in front of you and you just don't know what to say....

I felt so useless but i hope i helped....

No-one deserves the pain that some people give them but I don't listen to my own advice I just keep going back for more....

I am thinking of proposing to my gf but I don't know what to do.... she hurts me but I love her so much.... we have been together nearly 2 years now but am I too young at nearly 20.... she won't tell people about us.... she is scared of how her parents will react....

I just need some advice.... someone to tell me if I am being stupid and naive....

hope2love xoxoxoxox

Well.... I was reading Harry Potter again, but I finished them in the week and discovered Night World.... It's another kinda vampirey thing and the first book within volume 1 is amazing.... though no quite twilight....

The play I was in last week went well.... the parentals came to see it on sunday and I didnt forget my lines.... yay me....

There isnt a lot going on at the minute.... though I do have my eye on someone if the gf carries on the way she is....

hope2love
xoxoxox

Childishness doesn't even cover it.... whispers behind hands, sly glances, it all adds up and I see it all.... I don't know why I am bothered but I am.... maybe I'm in love and it breaks my heart to know that all I am worth is snide comments....

So hospital wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.... mom forced me to go so now I'm full of tablets.... which makes me unfit to work aparently....

Oh well, I'm not there for until a week on thursday so I have nothing to worry about until then.... I'm just going to lie around doing nothing for a while.... get rid of all the stress that is causing the brain swelling....

I need this break and I am going to make the most of it....

hope2love
xoxoxox

for me to update.... I have had so much on my mind I just haven't been on the internet at all....

Firstly, something is going on at work, it is like I don't even exist to some people, or I exist while working and everything changes as soon as I sign out.... I haven't really seen the main people who are making me feel like this in the past week.... not sure if this is a good thing or not :-s....

Secondly, my family might be about to fall apart again.... my mother keeps arguing with her other half and most of the time it is my fault....

To end this short entry on a good note though.... my gf and I are getting on quite well at the moment.... I no longer feel like I want anyone else.... and I brought a present for smeone and they really liked it so it upped my mood considerably....

hope2love xoxoxox

I promise to remember Bella
Each time I carelessly fall down
And I promise to remember Edward
Whenever I'm out of town
I promise to obey traffic laws
For Charlies sake of course
And I promise to remember Jacob
When my heart fills with remorse
I promise to remember Carlisle
Whenever I am in the emergency room
And I promise to remember Emmett
Everytime there's a huge boom
I promise to to remember Rose
Whenever I see something that holds pure beauty
And I promise to remember Alice
When I'm at a mall and a cute outfit spots me
I promise to remember Nessie
When I see that beautiful bronze hair
And I promise to remember Esme
When someone tells me they care
I promise to remember Jasper
Whenever my stomach isn't curled
And I promise to remember the Volturi
When someone speaks of dominating the world
Yes, I promise to love Twilight
Wherever I may go
So that all may see my obsession
Because I know what the Twilighters know

Yes I do still have a slight obbsession.... but I'm back on the Harry Potter books again becaue I am so bored these days....

So far this week th only extra hours I have een asked to do are ones I can't.... I'm working next monday day again tho which will be good I suppose 7 hours of doing nothing.... at least that's what I did this week....

I haven't cut again yet.... partl because the lines are still running along my arm from the last time.... I get so worried that people are going to see them that I was wearing a bandage on my elbow to cover them.... now I'm thinking oh well if anyone sees them wht is the worst that's going to happen....

Don't you just love the old DR. PEPPER adverts 'whats the worst that could happen?' lol....

hope2love
xoxoxox

So I have had quite a few bad days this week....

First, I have to spend another year stuck here.... because I fucked up my college crap.... it doesnt matter that I have a valid reason for missing one day of college (I was at a uni interview) he still wont mark my work.... as much as I love some of the people around me I would much rather be moving away from this life to start again.... the people who really matter to me would come and visit me or I would make the effort to come and see them....

Secondly, I have to find the money to tax, MOT and insure my car for another year.... I really don't know how I can afford that when I don't even have the money to eat....

And, I am starting to feel pushed out, its just the little things that people do and say in certain situations is making me feel like I'm not wanted.... I want someone to want me, just as a friend would be nice....

To end on a good note though, I haven't reach for the blade this week.... I'm so proud of myself even if no-one else is....

hope2love
xoxoxox

College work is the worst type of work I can think of right now.... I would rather ave been in actual work all day rather than spend 12 hours working on boody assignments.... at least after this week I should have very little to do....

I can't wait until I get paid on friday.... I haven't been able to afford to eat for the last 3 days.... not that it actually bothers me.... the rumours at work about me being pregnant have started to make me a bit paranoid.... maybe I have put some weight on which makes me look pregnant???

I don't know anymore.... I'm too busy trying the cover the scabs on my arms and stomach from prying eyes.... only 2 people know the full story, well most of the story anyway.... and one of them cant even bear to look at me now....

oh well, hopefully I will find a way out of the spiral or at least act like I'm not in one anyway.... no-one will ever know....

hope2love
xoxoxox

She's gone!!!! That person at work that I really can't stand has left after making me cry of course.... at least everyone else understood....

I think the dynamics have changed at work though.... it seems different I just can't put my finger on the reason....

Everyone thinks I'm pregnant.... I'm really not.... at least I don't think I am.... I hope I'm not....

The gf wouldn't be very impressed.... oh well at the minute it feels like she is going to split up with me anyway.... I told her the other day about the cutting.... it wasn't the best reaction but I knew it would be hard.... it was just getting to hard to hide it from her.... the long sleeves.... the hiding my stomah when I'm getting changed.... it's easier to hide it from others just not her....

hope2love
xoxoxox

Trust may only be 5 letters but to me it is a big word....

It's hard to trust people, well it is for me and there are very few people that have my trust.... only one person fully has my trust....

hope2love
xoxoxox

I have wrote some of my own fanfiction but my self-esteem is just too low at the minute to do anything with it.... when I look at it I think about how good my friends fanfiction is and realise I really shouldn't write, it's just not good enough....

And then there is the girlfriend.... she doesn't want me.... she promised we would move away together and now she's moving to the other side of the country.... When she mentions the future I never hear my name and it really upsets me.... I'm just wasting time as I don't want to be alone....

Anyway, I feel so out of the loop.... I never know what people are talking about.... I invite myself to sit with people.... I should have just left....

hope2love
xoxoxox

She hadn't text me or anything by midnight.... I hadn't spoke to her in 24 hours then all of a sudden I get like 5 texts one after another.... moaning at me for not texting her back.... I tried my hardest not to text back.... let her do the running for once....

So, of course, I text back.... and what do i get over an hour later.... absolutely nothing....

It doesn't matter that I have had an extremely shit day.... which consists of me realising that I had forgot the bandage to cover the scars on my arms and I had work (wearing a short sleeved top).... then I can't open my college work on the computer so I have to email it across.... then I burst into tears in front of the whole of my college group.... and to top it all off I have the worst headache in the history of all headaches.... I have took a load of painkillers and nothing seems to be working....

Oh well, back to square 1 tomorrow with a full day of college ahead of me and then work again.... as long as I remember to take the tubigrip with me the day should be ok....

hope2love
xoxoxox

I was lying in bed with my girlfriend last night.... i tried to get close to her and she just pushed me away.... I don't know what to do....

I have to ask for a kiss.... or even a hug....

I always cuddle up to her so I told her it was her turn.... I'd given up on dropping hints because it just never worked.... I told her straight that she had to cuddle up to me because I was sick of having to do all the running and not getting anywhere....

It's been nearly 2 years that we have been together.... it feels more like forever and I don't mean that in a good way....

It used to be that I would moan about her when she wasn't there but as soon as she was in my arms it made everything better.... it's not like that anymore.... even if she was right here next to me I would still be feeling the same.... wondering if I'm wasting my time with someone who can't accept how she feels (either that or she is just pretending to me that she loves me).... I wish that someone could just come along and tell us where we are going wrong because she has to feel the awkwardness between us that has been there for a couple of months now....

The best part of believe is the 'lie'.... I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it.... I love those lyrics....

hope2love
xoxoxox

Twilight @ 30.27.... it took me a while to realise that its the picture off the book.... there is alot of little things that add up in the twilight series.... just little things that most people dont realise are actually happening....

In real life there is a lot of things a lot of people don't notice but they all add up into something bigger....

And then it just gets out of hand....

hope2love
xoxoxox